Bordering on the Edge
by AliceSloane13
Summary: Nicky has some problems Red has never heard anything about. Maybe she'll be the one who stays. (Takes place around the same time that Sophia's meds got changed).
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I've had this one tucked away for a while and been working on it. It might seem a bit unrealistic to some, but there's enough backstory, detail, and quirks from the show that I can see it. Please be gentle with me on this one because it's very close to home. There's a second and third part that I'm already working on. I don't know how much further I will go with it. This is a bit rough, but I wanted to post it while I was being mopey because I'd hide it away otherwise.

XOXOXO

It wasn't often that Red got a break during the dinner rush to seek out the family. It was by far the busiest meal. She'd managed to get away, but had failed to find the target of her quest. No one seemed to know where Nicky was. Red was disappointed, but not worried. Nicky knew how to take care of herself.

After eating a quick bite, she headed back into the kitchen to deal with the rest of the evening's chores. She hadn't noticed Norma sneak off, but her friend was back. With a worried look and frantic writing, she explained that Nicky was in their bunk and Red should go.

Without hesitation, Red hurried towards the dorms.

"Hey Red, what about dessert?" Boo called after her.

"Not now…"

"Nicky?" Red questioned cautiously. She didn't step into the small space right away. She wanted to get a feel for what was going on. Nicky was sitting in the corner on the floor, knees pulled up to her chest, rocking herself. She had her head tilted against the wall and eyes tightly shut.

Shaking her head, Nicky tried to ignore Red. She didn't want to be around anyone. There was too much else going on. She could feel Red's eyes on her, unmoving and far from giving up. Opening her own, she tried unsuccessfully to make eye contact. She just hoped that Red could see that she wanted her to go away.

Stepping inside the cube, Red cautiously approached. "Nicky," she said gently-it wasn't a question or a greeting, just a confirmation of presence. She shoved her own questions aside, which was no small feat, and tried to figure out what she could do to help. Pulling Norma's chair over, she sat down close to the younger woman.

When Red made no demands on her, Nicky nodded her consent for Red to stay. She wanted to be alone, but she didn't have it in her to fight Red off. The best she could hope for was for Red to keep acting like she was and Nicky could just ignore her.

"What do you need Nicky?" Red asked, voice gruff and harsher sounding than she meant. It took everything in her not to scoop Nicky up in her arms.

Sighing, Nicky looked up at her and stopped rocking for a moment. "Time," she said quietly, praying that Red would understand. "I just need a little while to get past this." It was a lot for her to admit, her normal go to was to just push everyone away until she felt better.

"Did someone hurt you?" The older woman asked, acid vengeance spewing with each word. She hadn't seen Nicky like this before and she was at a loss for answers. What had happened? She tentatively reached down and placed a hand on Nicky's head. When the younger woman grabbed her hand, she thought for sure she was going to push her away, but Nicky only brought it down to her lips and then against her cheek.

"No one hurt me Ma. It's just me," she hesitated trying to figure out how to explain it.

It was a start, but it wasn't enough. Red needed to know more. "Tell me," Red growled.

Nicky shook her head no, but the words left her lips anyways. "Someone said something- it wasn't even anything bad-but that never seems to matter. I just got upset and couldn't snap out of it." It wasn't a very good explanation and barely answered anything at all, but it was a start.

Red rubbed her thumb against Nicky's cheek, wiping tears away as she did. "Okay. Do you want to tell me what was said?"

"Not important," Nicky answered, a sad smile gracing her lips. She looked tired. No. Not tired, she looked weary and a little bit broken down.

"If it upset you it's important to me," Red said gently. She was surprised when Nicky slid closer and laid her head down on her lap. Fingers instantly reacting, Red began to run them through wild locks. "We don't have to talk about it, but I'd like to understand honey."

Nodding, Nicky wrapped an arm around Red's legs and hugged them. "I don't want to talk about what was said, but I can try to explain. It was at lunch, when we were all talking, and um.." Nicky licked her lips as she hesitated on her choice of words.

Red wracked her brain as she replayed the conversation in her mind. She couldn't pinpoint a single thing that would have offended the younger woman. She managed to hold back her questions and gave Nicky the chance to get her thoughts together.

"Something was said. It wasn't about me or at me, but I started to feel like it was my fault-like I had done something wrong. There's not a logical explanation for it that I can easily give you. It just got to me, and I know that it's not my fault, but my emotions don't always catch on as quickly as my brain does." She looked up at Red, trying to see if her words made any sense.

"If it wasn't something… Why would you?" Red shook her head, trying to understand. She reached down and rested a hand back on Nicky's cheek. She didn't miss the small shakes in Nicky's shoulder or the quiet sob she held back, but it didn't seem like a good idea to mention them.

"I dunno. It just happens sometimes. I mean, blaming myself for things isn't exactly a foreign concept. It's just different right now… I'm just upset with myself, and it's really overwhelming. It's not something I can snap out of right away either," she admitted.

Red nodded. "Oh honey," she whispered and cupped Nicky's face. She still didn't understand, but she recognized the helpless tone in her daughter's voice. She would do anything to lessen the weight of whatever it was Nicky was carrying. "Do you want me to sit with you?" she asked, leaning forward and kissing Nicky's forehead.

"Yes please," Nicky said, leaning against Red's lips. "Just for a little while?" She wiped at the tears on her cheeks, knowing that it was futile. Her tears weren't stopping any time soon.

Nodding, Red was unable to find her voice. This was breaking her heart and she felt completely helpless. Nicky lay her head back down and Red sent up a silent thanks to whomever might be listening. She began to play with Nicky's hair once more, knowing that it always brought comfort to her girl.

They sat there for nearly twenty minute before Nicky sat up and smiled at Red gratefully. "Thank you," she said, grabbing one of Red's hands and holding it against her cheek once more. She was still crying, but not in the same manner. She didn't seem upset any longer, but didn't seem like she could make the tears stop either.

Following Nicky's lead, Red brought up her other hand and cupped her face. "You're welcome sweetheart. Anything I can do … always." She brushed hair off Nicky's face and wiped up the last of her tears. "You know that don't you?"

"I do know," Nicky promised. "Bear with me and I'll try to tell you the rest. They called me into medical last week. I talked to the doctor and he decided, even though I told him it was a bad idea, to cut back my meds a little."

"What meds? Why? Nicky….?" Red had never realized Nicky was on anything. Surely she would have noticed. Looking down at her daughter she realized that there were still things hidden away-still things Nicky hadn't opened up about.

Shaking her head, Nicky reached up and put a hand on Red's knee. "I'm okay Ma. Focus on that first before you go getting frantic on me."

Red looked down at Nicky, studying her. She was still crying, but she seemed calmer somehow - resolved. "Okay," Red said, nodding slowly. Nicky stood before her and offered her a hand up. Red took it and let the younger woman lead her to the bed.

Biting her lip, Nicky tried to figure out where to start. "I have some problems," Nicky admitted with a dark laugh. "More problems, I guess I should say." She looked down at her lap and her face scrunched up in an attempt to hold back a sob.

Not knowing what else to do, Red put a hand on Nicky's back and rubbed up and down. "You can tell me Nicky," she said quietly. "Anything."

Looking up at her, Nicky's bottom lip wobbled. "I've never told anyone who didn't leave. I don't want to lose you."

Red cupped Nicky's face in both hands desperately. "You're not going to lose me," she said, shaking Nicky's head with each word. "I won't leave." Red tilted her head and her face fell. "Please Nicky…"

"I have some… issues," Nicky said, searching for the right words.

Red chuckled and tugged playfully on a strand of hair. "Who doesn't kid?"

"Not like that," Nicky rushed the words out before she could find some semblance of control. "Marka never believed in them, but they're there."

"What kind of issues honey?" Red asked, not wanting to linger on anything that involved Nicky's biological mother.

"Don't hate me?" Nicky asked.

Her voice sounded small and scared and it broke Red's heart. "I could never hate you sweetheart. Never."

"I'm bipolar (II), which I'm sure you've heard of, but there's more than that. I've got something called Borderline Personality Disorder," Nicky admitted, not meeting Red's eyes.

"Mental health issues," Red said flatly. She stared at Nicky in concern as she processed the information. "That's what the medicine is for?"

Nicky nodded. "I'm not crazy," she said, needing Red to understand.

"Of course not baby," Red said, rushing to get the words out. "Come here." She pulled Nicky against her and kissed her forehead. "I never thought that."

Nicky slipped her arms around Red's waist and buried her face against the older woman's shoulder. "Sometimes things just set me off and it's hard for me to get back out of them. It's like my brain gets trapped in a certain emotion and I can't break free."

"Is there a way I can help?" Red asked, still unsure what the specifics were.

Nicky smiled warmly. "Just be here," she admitted, letting the tears fall freely. "I'll explain more later, but I'm so tired Red," she admitted.

"Tell me what to look for then," Red requested. She might not be able to prevent it from happening or help Nicky, but she could keep an eye on her and be there when she was needed-if she was needed.

Scooting a little closer, Nicky looked up at Red and realized-maybe for the first time-that she had someone on her team. "I get quiet… distant. I usually try to get away from everyone and isolate myself. There's so much going on that I'll find some place quiet. Too much stimulation just makes it worse."

"Honey, I'm so sorry," Red said, squeezing her closer. She hated the idea of her baby going through such ordeals alone all her life. How had that woman ever gotten Nicky in the first place. Her daughter deserved more.

Nicky looked up at her. "Why?"

"You shouldn't have to go through this. If the medicine helps then this is just needless suffering. It's not right." Red felt like she was out for blood already. She would figure this out and take care of it somehow.

Nicky didn't respond, she just turned towards Red slightly and buried her face against her shoulder and neck. A few stray tears fell, but she didn't begin falling apart all over again. "Just don't get scared off, okay? That's all I need right now."

"Never Nicky. I'll never get scared off. You're mine honey, no matter what," Red promised, pulling Nicky close against her. She wasn't surprised when she felt Nicky start to cry again. Bit by bit she was beginning to understand this new side of her daughter. "I love you," she promised, kissing near Nicky's ear as she whispered the words.

It was too much and not enough all at once. Nicky didn't even bother trying to fight off the tears. She was too busy trying to move impossibly closer to the only unconditional love she'd ever known. "Love you too Ma," Nicky said, finding her way into the space between Red's legs.

"Mmm," Red hummed in approval. "Come here. Just rest Nicky. I'll take care of you," Red urged, knowing how exhausted the younger woman must be. She reached for the blanket on the end of the bed and wrapped it around Nicky. She felt Nicky's hand clutch at the front of her shirt and knew she wouldn't be awake for long.

"I'll explain more later," Nicky promised. She just didn't have it in her to go through with that conversation right then.

Red kissed her forehead. "When you're ready I'll be here."

Letting out a heavy sigh, Nicky nuzzled against Red and allowed herself to be fussed over. It was nice to not be in charge-to feel safe with her own emotions. "Can I just stay here for a little while?"

"As long as you want," Red promised. She was already planning out how her conversation with Caputo was going to go. This was unacceptable and he was going to fix this or there would be hell to pay. If he didn't budge, Red figured she might be able to get Piper to contact that journalist who was always looking into Litchfield. Maybe he could stir up some noise.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's the next part. It's pretty angsty, so keep that in mind before you read it. Nothing major happens, but if you're sensitive to this kind of story…

XOXOXO

Red had been holding Nicky for some time when Norma came in. Her friend offered up a weak smile and pointed at her wrist. It was time to get dinner started.

Nodding Red smiled at her. "I'll be there in just a little bit. Go ahead and get started," she whispered.

Smiling gently, Norma nodded. She was more than capable of getting things moving.

Looking down at Nicky, Red smiled sadly. She hated to have to wake her. Rubbing her thumb against the girl's cheek, she leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Nicky honey," she said, nudging the girl awake. It took a few minutes, but soon enough Nicky was awake.

She'd almost forgotten about telling Red. It wasn't until she sat up fully and saw the sympathetic look on her face that she remembered. Looking away quickly, Nicky felt her cheeks flame. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone-especially Red. It would only bring trouble.

Nicky had wanted to share her story with Red for a long time, but she knew herself well enough to know that it was a bad idea. When Nicky shared things, she didn't just talk about one or two things it was the entire saga from start to finish. She overshared-emotionally slutty she had dubbed it. She was like fucking Pandora's Box. Open up about one thing, and everything came pouring out.

She knew that Red would try to comfort her-want to heal her. It didn't work that way though. The minute Red started Nicky knew that she would want more. She had never managed to hang onto anyone long enough to find out if there was ever an end to that cycle. Was there ever a point where the security and love she sought out in other people would be enough?

"It's time to start dinner," Red explained, cupping Nicky's jaw and lifting it higher. Nicky wouldn't meet her eyes though. She knew the younger woman could be stubborn. The younger woman had high walls, and she didn't like them to be breached. It must have felt a little scary for Nicky, realizing how much she let her in. She looked at the blush on her cheek and saw the evidence of embarrassment.

Red wanted to pull Nicky close to her, but maybe it was too soon. Nicky seemed uncomfortable under her touch. Generally, she would ignore it, but now… she wasn't sure how to respond. Nicky had told her some things, but not everything. Was she making it worse? Maybe a little time for them both to clear their heads would be good. Nicky could regroup, and they would talk after dinner. "I should go," Red explained. "Norma could probably handle it on her own, but I'd hate to do that to her."

Nodding in understanding, Nicky chewed on the inside corner of her mouth. She should have expected this. "Okay," she said. Her voice sounded strained even to her own ears, and she wondered if Red would question that. After a moment of silence, she realized that Red wasn't. She quickly stood up, praying that Red would pull her back, but she didn't.

"You should lay down until dinner," Red suggested. "You still look tired." Nicky felt so far away. She didn't know what to do for her. Rising to her feet, Red walked up behind Nicky. She watched as her shoulders tensed as she approached. "Nicky?" she asked.

Nicky nodded and cleared her throat. "You're probably right," she agreed. Pleasantly surprised she felt Red embrace her from behind. She covered Red's hands with her own but stayed stiff in her embrace.

"Nothing has changed Nicky," Red promised softly, chin resting on her shoulder. She leaned her head against the younger woman's and willed her to feel the love she had for her. Slowly Nicky started to ease out of the tension.

Warm arms around her, Nicky focused on Red's words. Were they still the same? She wanted to believe it-needed to. She talked herself through her emotions and decided that Red hadn't changed the way she was treating her at all. Maybe everything was going to be okay. She gave into the warmth and let herself relax against Red. As soon as she settled, Red gave her a final squeeze and let go.

Nicky tried to hide her disappointment. Turning around, she offered Red a smile that she knew looked forced. Her lips were tight, and her eyes were watery, and a part of her hoped that Red would notice that. "You should go," Nicky said, gesturing towards the entrance of the cube. "Don't want a riot on your hands."

"You sure you're okay?" Red asked.

 _NO_! Nicky's mind screamed.

"Positive," she answered. "Just a little groggy." _Just tired_. It was the entire world's go-to phrase. Everyone knows you don't question it. _Just tired_. The silent code of No, I'm not okay.

"Do you need me to stay?" Red asked. She ran through the details in her head. Could Norma handle dinner on her own? She had Gina and the others, but there were the two new girls. They were useless and didn't listen. With Gloria sick, they were short hands, discipline, and the one person other than herself who could make those two work.

Nicky watched as Red's mind wandered away. "Nah, I'll be alright. Go feed the masses Red."

Red tilted her head and nodded. "Okay, but first, follow me." Without giving her any time to argue, and despite her protest that she didn't even have shoes on, Red pulled Nicky along behind her. A moment later they were in her cube.

"What?" Nicky asked when Red just stared at her.

"I want you to lay back down," Red said, gesturing towards her bed. I think you'll sleep better in here.

Nodding slowly, Nicky's tears slowly fell. She stepped forward towards Red. It was too close to be appropriate, but she couldn't manage to initiate anything. "Thank you," she whispered.

Red pulled her into a hug, relieved that Nicky seemed so affected by the gesture. If she couldn't be here with her, at least she could offer her this. "Come on now," she said, pulling back. "No more tears." Red wiped at the trails on her cheeks and helped her into bed. Tucking her in, Red kissed her forehead.

"Okay," the younger woman answered. "Thank you," she added as Red started to get up. "Really." Her bottom lip wobbled, and the tears kept coming.

"Just rest Nicky. We'll talk later." Watching Nicky's eyes close shut, she quietly left the cube. She turned around and peeked back in, only to see Nicky crying silently with her face buried against Red's pillow. The site broke her heart, but she didn't know what to do. After dinner-they would talk after dinner.

Nicky pulled Red's blanket up to her chin and tucked her face against her pillow. Everything smelled like Red, and that was a comfort of its own. Her blanket was thicker than the standard prison blankets that Nicky used. It was heavy against her shoulders, and she tried to pretend that it was Red holding her. More tears fell, and Nicky thought about how much her life had changed.

Prison had been good for her. The routine was something she had settled into quickly. She knew who she was here. The rules were simpler in prison: you could predict things, you knew where you were supposed to be, what you were supposed to be doing, who you were supposed to be. It was a skin she slid into expertly. This was what she was good at, finding identities and allowing herself to feel like a real person, allowing herself to feel like she had an identity of her own.

She didn't want to think about what life was going to be like when she got out-so many different variables and choices. Anything could happen, and that idea terrified her. She had a support system here. She had friends and family. Nicky wasn't used to such lasting relationships, of feeling like a part of something instead of a fraud blending in until everyone realized she wasn't at all who they thought she was. She had perfected her front over the years-discovering what she could project to make people like her or overlook her depending on the situation.

Outside of prison, she wouldn't have Red. Pulling the blanket tighter around herself, she squeezed her eyes shut. Red. She had become more than just Nicky's mother. She was her saving grace. Nicky knew that as good as prison had been, Red was what grounded her. Red was the one who cared about her enough to make her feel like there was hope-that these wounds could heal and she could find all the broken pieces and be whole again. Had she ever been whole?

Maybe that was all just some nonsensical fairy tale that she wanted to believe. Red couldn't still see her as the same person. She had made that more than obvious. Dinner was more important than she was. One night of a rocky meal would not kill them. Norma could probably handle it anyways. Even if she had to leave, did it have to be while she was still crying? It was clear that she'd made the older woman uncomfortable. If it were really important and things hadn't changed, Red would come back. She'd check in on things and then come back and show her that things were okay.

She tried to remind herself of Red's words, of the feel of her arms as she held her, of the very fact that she brought Nicky in here to sleep. She hadn't just brushed her aside. Or had she? Nicky shook her head. This was guilt-or maybe pity. Tucking Nicky away in her bad had been merely a gesture to keep her calm until they could talk later and she could tell Nicky the truth. It wasn't the first time someone had told her she was too much to handle. That her problems drained everyone around her and that she was too much.

Her mind calmed, and the pain took over. Giving into it, she stopped arguing with herself and allowed herself to cry and hide away in the comfort from Red that she had left. Everything was about to change.

XOXOXO

Feedback is always welcome, especially on longer or more difficult stories. It helps me out tremendously when I know what you're questions and thoughts are on the things I write.


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